will you also stab me..?

death. death is incited. the death of my trust is incited.
it, your sweet lovely gesticulations followed by the satanic back off of your statements & the abrupt dismissal of recognition to my presence in your life which statedly counted..
it actually and subtley eats out my faith from people..

why...? why do you have to do so..?
i know i am writing this because you did not even give me a chance to speak it to you to give me a chance to let you be aware of the prevailing truth.. u know this either way.. and i also do not know if you will ever come across these feelings wich remained to me locked up or say which were forced to be shut up to my closet.. a lot could hae been settled..
a lot could have been eroded.. a lot of the masqurades.. a lot of the lies, the show offs, the fake smiles or sarcastic affirmations.. even the silly uncounting unimportant orgasms which u exhibited in my company.. its today when you deject my call, my approval of having a word with you, my want of YOU, my lonliness to be shared with you... . . .

do i realise how hollow am i; that i need someone; someone to be with! to play with!! to talk to.. to tell.. to ask.. to love.. to be loved.. to lure.. to seduce to be seducted.. to live for.. to feel some one wants me to be there for him.. ; oh..... silly me..! how naive :) i havent yet grown up through my infancy.. so many betrayals so many dejections.. so many reprimands.. so many traumas.. so many suspects over.. ..yet..! oh & yet i strive to attract attention!! silly man! silly me! but then in the end again i feel, being a human, don't i have a right to have someone to talk to..? someone to love..? be loved...?
or is it just some are meant to be blamed, suspected, reprimanded..?and the question then again remains before me.. & till i can answer it, its already late enough for me to think any further & get back to work leaving it for furture to think.. & then it there lies dormant again..

supressed back for me to recapitulate it again when i forgetting my past again mistake someone else & repeat the same expectational error! fortunately it has been this way since long times.. & though hurting yet i learn a lot, every time i recap it after a fresh episode :)